The Return of Henry Thunderstorm and His Stupid Questions

As promised, my dear friend Henry Thunderstorm from Runner’s World finally got me to sit still for 30 minutes earlier this week for part 2 of our interview. And once again, he is allowing me to post the unedited transcript of that interview on my blog before it’s published in the magazine.

(I realize the humor of pretending a real publication interviewed me is pretty much nonexistent at this point, but do you realize how insane I’d feel if I simply posted a fake conversation between 2 of my personalities without trying to mask it with something??)

Anyway, here’s the interview:

[Interviewer’s Note: When I entered Ross’s apartment for this story, I noticed a person who was very different than the Ross I interviewed two months ago. He looked like a man who had been chain smoking for weeks without getting a minute of sleep. In fact, I’m sure that was the situation because there were cigarette butts all over the apartment, and he told me he hadn’t slept in weeks. Also, he looked...bloated. Like he’d somehow gained weight over the last 8 weeks of training. He essentially transformed from “Skinny Elvis” to “Fat Elvis” in less than 2 months.]

Henry Thunderstorm: Ross, I’ve gotta be honest, you don’t look well for a guy about to run the Boston Marathon. You actually don’t look well in general.

Ross: No shit.

HT: What’s the problem? And when did you start smoking?

RG: I’m fuckin’ stressed, bro. You think this is easy? Knowing I’m less than 2 weeks away from doing something I can’t possibly do...

HT: Why do you say that? Training was going so well for you a few weeks ago.

RG: Last week I went for a 4-mile “light” run and nearly collapsed. FOUR MILES! And it was all because of the heat. 75 degrees in San Francisco that day. If it’s this warm in Boston, I’m fucked. I’m totally freaking out right now.

HT: You think maybe it was an isolated incident? One bad run shouldn't ruffle your feathers so badly. Let's talk about your long runs. How have those been going?

RG: Well I got through a 20-mile run two weeks ago.

HT: There you go. Sounds like you're right where you need to be.

RG: Yeah, and I thought the same thing until I realized that on Marathon Monday, I have to do those 20 miles plus another full hour of running after that.

HT: Well was the 20-miler that bad or did you feel OK after?

RG: Once I got past mile 18, I felt like my life was coming closer to its end with every stride. Each of my legs felt like it weighed 200 lbs. So you really wanna know why I’ve been chain smoking & unable to sleep? It’s because I can’t possibly comprehend how I’m actually gonna pull this off. And like the big jackass I am, I’ve been telling everyone I know to be at the finish line to watch me in all my glory. This is gonna end poorly.

HT: People always talk about those last 4-6 miles in a marathon, and how runners are able to get that done because the crowd is urging them on & because of the runner’s high a lot of people experience. Do you buy into that at all?

RG: I’m glad you brought that up. I wanted to address this crock of shit known as a runner’s “high.” People describe this euphoric state that runners get in when they push their bodies further than they ever have. Well, I haven’t experienced a runner’s “high.” I’ve only experienced a runner’s “what the fuck are you thinking trying to run for 3 straight hours,” and a runner’s “why do I feel like I’m gonna vomit when I’m only 3 miles into a 19-mile run.” No euphoria for me, only pain & suffering.

HT: OK, let’s talk about something positive. You had a personal best time in the Kaiser Half Marathon 2 months ago. Under 2 hours. What’s the adjusted goal for the full marathon now?

RG: I’ve been pacing most of my long runs at about 10 minute miles, so in theory I should finish with a time of 4:20. But my marathon speed actually seems like it’ll be a little faster than that. But I also need to factor in the slow downs for water stops and the congestion at the beginning of the race. So 4:20 really seems right. (pause for all the pot smokers out there to process that I just used 4:20 twice in 1 paragraph). I’m gonna officially say my goal is a sub-4:30 marathon.

HT: What do you think your general disposition will be like after you finish?

RG: I’m expecting a meltdown of epic proportions. Imagine the worst tantrum you’d ever see from a 7-year-old girl and multiply that by 10. I’m gonna be the last person you’d ever want to be around at that point. I feel really bad for any family & friends coming to the race who are expecting to see a functioning Ross after I finish.

HT: Jesus, man, you’re just a barrel of fun to be around these days huh? OK, let’s talk fundraising. How’s that going?

RG: Ahh, here’s something I can be positive about. I’m happy to report that I’m at 113% of my target goal.

HT: Wow, that’s great. Anyone in particular you want to thank?

RG: Um, myself, I guess, for continually hassling friends, family & coworkers. No, in all seriousness I want to thank everyone who donated. Most people I’ll be able to thank again after the marathon is complete, but for those of you who donated anonymously, thanks for the help.

HT: And I heard something about a 4-hour gambling binge in Vegas a few weeks ago to try to generate more money for Playworks? How was that?

RG: Foggy.

HT: Did you make any money?

RG: My sober (relatively speaking) friends informed me that I did indeed win money on that Saturday night...something in the range of $250 between basketball bets & Blackjack. So that’s how much I sent to Playworks, just as I promised.

HT: And how was the Vegas trip in general?

RG: It was like the Bizarro Vegas Trip this year. Not only did I actually win money overall, but I also had 1 night where I got 8 hours of sleep. Never happened before.

HT: So what’s the plan going forward? Any more running or blogging until the marathon?

RG: I’m cutting back on the distances of my runs now. I’ll do a few short runs during the week & maybe an 8-miler this weekend. And for blogging, I’ll just hint that I’ve got possibly a 2-part post coming where I go into unnecessary details on my ipod’s Marathon Playlist.

HT: I’m sure it’ll be a waste of internet space.

RG: Fuck you, Henry.

HT: Thanks for the interview, Ross. I never wanna see you again.